laughter. heals. the soul.
Q: How many Mason’s does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the last light bulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain that this wasn’t the way the USED to screw in light bulbs!
There′s a man, walking down the street at 1 in the morning and he′s very drunk.
A policeman stops him and asks: Where are you going in that condition?
Man: II′mm on mmyy waayyy to a lectttuurre on FFreemmassonnrrry.
Officer: Where can you possibly get a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of night?
Man: Frromm mmyy wifffe, wwhenn I gget homme!
A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening in June and it′s air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work, the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired.
The candidate replied "a beer".
At this juncture the WM., being startled, whispered "light" to the candidate.
"OK," the candidate replied, "a lite beer then!"
A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what went on. The conversation goes something like this:
She - Well how′d it go?
He - Very well - I think?
She - What happened?
He - I′m not really sure if I can tell you about it.
She - Well is there anything you can tell me?
He - Well it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge -walkers, talkers and Holy Men.
She - What do they do - if you can tell me?
He - The walkers walked me around the lodge.
The Talkers talked to me and to the walkers as I was led around ....
She - And the Holy men? What do THEY do?
He - They seem to be a special class of men - all in dark blue with gold aprons and gauntlets.
They just sit on the benches around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly -
"Oh My God!" . . . "Oh My God !" whenever someone else walks or talks!
Some few years back, just after the introduction of Random Breath Testing, the Police officers of a small country township had to show the community that the RBT was working. They decided to stake out the local Masonic Hall, then as the night wore on, eventually a mason slowly came down the stairs and got into his car.
The moment he started the engine the two officers approached him and asked him to "blow into the bag". He did of course but to the amazement of the officers proved negative. Fearing a faulty bag tried again, with the same results. Sure of a possible conviction they then escorted him to the Police station to do a blood test, with it also proving negative.
Being upset with this they then asked him what had gone on and what he had done that evening, to which he answered, "The Grand Master was there, the Grand Secretary was there, the Grand Stewards were there and we all had a great time, and me? I was the Grand Decoy".
A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words. "Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman. "The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge who presided at the trial was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons!" "Is that all?" asked the hangman, " "Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Then you will advance one step with your left foot."
Two experienced Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when suddenly a thick cloud formed between them and the ground. Being without instruments, after half an hour they realized that they were well and truly lost.
A short time later there came across a large hole in the cloud and espied a gentleman below walking his dog across a field. They had time to exchange pleasantries and found that he too was a member of the Craft.
The chaps in the balloon inquired of him as to their location and received the reply, "About 200 feet up in a balloon." Just then the cloud closed the hole and they were alone again.
One turned to the other and said, "I'll bet he′s the Secretary of his Lodge!"
"Why do you say that?", the other asked.
"Well . . . even though what he has told us is absolutely true, it's no bloody help in the present situation!"
The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it. In accordance with custom, the Genie offered to grant him a wish.
"OK," said the WM, "I′ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly. So my wish is for you to build a bridge so I can drive to Hawaii."
"I can′t do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie. "Don′t you know that′s impossible? No Genie could do that. It′s too far, the water is too deep, it′s just totally beyond anybody′s power. You will have to make another wish."
"OK," said the Master. "I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!"
"Hmmmmm," said the Genie. "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??"
Three Master Masons met and were talking over conditions at their Lodges.
The first Master said, "You know, since summer started, I've been having trouble with mice in my Lodge. I've tried everything - noise, cat's spray - nothing seems to scare them away.
The second Master said, "Yeah, my Lodge too. There are hundreds of them living in the Lodge basement. I've set traps and even called in an expert exterminator. Nothing has worked so far."
The third Master said, "I've had the same problem. So I initiated all mine and made them members of the Lodge. Haven't seen one of them since."
There is a lodge located in the distant reaches of Saskatchewan where the brethren though faithful Masons, lack knowledge in receiving visiting brothers properly because of their remotness.
During one of their regular meetings, the Junior Deacon informed the Worshipful Master that there was an alarm at the door, whereupon the Worshipful Master replied "What is the cause of the alarm?".
The Junior Deacon opened the door and saw, to his amazement, a brother, impeccably dressed with an elaborate apron and jewels about his chest.
The visitor stated, "My name is John Smith, Past Master of my lodge, Past District Deputy Grand Master of my district, Past Grand Master of my Grand Lodge, Past Sovereign Grand Commander of the Scottish Rite, York Rite Legion of Honor who humbly requests an audience with the Worshipful Master."
The Junior Deacon, upon hearing these words from the visiting brother and the elaborate apron and jewels upon his chest, immediately closed the door, returned to his post and informed the Worshipful Master: "Worshipful Master, The Grand Architect of the Universe is at the door!!!"
One evening after a brother had been a guest at an installation, he had partaken of too much wine, and his host was very worried, as he did not want him to drive home in his present state which was some distance away, so insisted that he stay the night at his house, and travel home the next morning, and after much persuasion, this is what he did.
When he got home the next morning, his wife was furious with him because he had forgotten to phone, and she did not believe his story about staying with a brother because of the state he was in, but wondered if he had been with another women, however she pretended to believe him, by asking how the ceremony had gone, and asked how many other brethren had been there and all the regular questions that wives do ask, and he told her that it had been an excellent Lodge meeting and that 65 brethren had turned up, etc.
However at the next Lodge meeting when the secretary rose to read out correspondence, he read a letter from the wife asking if the brother where her husband had stayed the night after the last lodge meeting would please write to her and confirm his story that he had stayed the night at his house because he was unfit to drive home.
The next day in the post she received 64 letters.
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is visiting a Calgary hospital during a trip to Alberta. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness, he greets one.
The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."
The Prime Minister is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The next patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit."
Even more confused, and his grin now fading, Justin moves onto the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle"
Now seriously concerned, the Prime Minister turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?' 'No,' replies the doctor, 'this is the serious Burns unit.' .
(Not a masonic joke)
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?'
The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
One day an English mason, a Scottish mason, and an Irish mason were in the bar after the meeting.
They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust.
The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Scotsman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled
"SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT!!!!"
Just before we were to tyle before our last stated meeting a very elderly man came into the Temple. I went over to introduce myself as Master of the Lodge.
The gentleman asked if he might be able to receive his Fellow Craft Degree. He said he had been regularly initiated here 60 years ago.
Astonished I asked why it had taken him so long to return.
He replied, "I was learning to subdue my passions and now I am ready to improve myself in Masonry."
In the Lodge washroom, an Entered Apprentice, a Fellow Craft and a Master Mason were standing side-by-side using the urinal.
The Entered Apprentice finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Calgary and they taught us to be clean."
The Fellow Craft finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the Southern Alberta Institute of Technology and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The Master Mason zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "Im graduated from William Aberthart High School and they taught us not to pee on our hands.
An 80-year-old Past Master of his Lodge becomes engaged to a beautiful 22-year-old model. He goes to his doctor for a checkup a couple of weeks before the wedding date.
The doctor looks him over and says, "Arnold, you seem completely healthy but I must tell you one thing."
"What's that, Doc?" asks the Past Master.
"At your age, sex can be dangerous, and you need to watch it, take care it could be really deadly," the doctor replies.
Arnold thinks for a minute and then says, "Oh, what the hell - If she dies, she dies."
One afternoon, the Junior Warden calls the Worshipful Master and says "my wife told me that we are having dinner with my in laws tomorrow night, so I can't come to the lodge."
"But we are doing a First Degree tomorrow night," the Master replies. "I can't give you the night off."
"Thanks Worshipful Master" says Harry. "I knew I could count on you!"
John has been a mason for many years and finally has worked up the courage to run for the job of Worshipful Master. Unfortunately in the ballot he did not get enough votes and returned home that night quite despondent.
His wife me him at the door with a great big hug and a welcome home kiss.
"Don't worry" she said "in this house you will always be the Senior Warden."
The Worshipful Master is talking to one of the visiting brethren who just happens to be a doctor and complains that the Senior Warden doesn't seem to hear what the Master was saying during the Lodge rituals. The visitor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem.
“Next time you have a ritual address yourself to the Senior Warden from your chair, and then slowly advance from the East and see how far away you are when he first responds.”
The Master excited to finally be working on a solution to the Senior Wardens problem, sets up a simple ritual for the next meeting. On the night and once every is seated, he starts the test.
"Brother Jones” the Master asks from his chair in the east “What is the role of the Senior Warden?” After receiving no response he advances toward the West and tried it again halfway across the Lodge, and again no response. He advances to the edge of the mosaic, again with no response from the Senior Warden. Finally standing directly in front of the Senior Warden he says "What is the duty of the Senior Warden".
"For the fourth time Worshipful Master . . . to ensue that the Worshipful Master puts fresh batteries into his hearing aid before the next meeting."
You might be a Mason if:
1. You're at a wedding, and when the minister says "Amen," you blurt out "So Mote it Be."
2. You find yourself trying to check out the rings on stranger's fingers.
3. You actually "got" the lines in the movie, The Man Who Would Be King, and can quote the movie like it was
4. You feel compelled to attend the funeral of a complete stranger, just because you read in his obituary that he
was a Mason.
5. Your best friends are an 92 year old WWII veteran of the Kokoda Trail, a 19 year old University student, a non-
practicing Orthodox Jew, a doctor, a boilermaker, an Iranian Kurd, and some guy named Rodger and you all
spend at least one night a month together talking about working tools.
6. You referred to a 20 year old Soctch as 'refreshment'
7. You have an affinity for sitting in ancient chairs with busted springs stabbing you in the butt for hours at a
8. You have an irrational fear of goats.
A group of Masons are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
The Grand Master is presenting a 50 year jewel to the oldest member of the Lodge and asks as he pins the jewel on his chest, "And what do you think is the best thing about getting your 50 year jewel?". He simply replied, "No peer pressure."
One day the Worshipful Past Master and the newest Entered Apprentice go golfing. The EA is really good and Worshipful Master is just giving him tips. They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way and the Worshipful Master says, "When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over that tree."
So, the Entered Apprentice hits the ball and it bumps against the tree and lands not to far from where it started.
"Of course," added the Worshipful Master, "when I was your age, the tree was only 3 feet tall."
A freemason found himself a contestant on the popular tv show "Jeopardy".
After the Alex Trbeck had exchanged the usual greetings and asked the name and occupation, the brother chose the topic "The history of Scottish Freemasonry since the foundation of the First Grand Lodge"
The first question was, "In what year was the Grand Lodge of Scotland founded?"
To which the brother answered "pass".
Undeterred the host continued by asking, "Who was the first Grand Master Mason of Scotland?"
As in the former instance the brother's answer was "pass".
Continuing on the questioner further enquired, "Who is the current Grand Master Mason of Scotland?"
And for a third time the answer was "pass".
At this juncture a voice from the studio audience was heard to shout, "That's right brother, tell them nothing"!
A Mason went for a job interview, knowing that the interviewer was also a Mason. He explained that he was absolutely the best qualifed for the job and secretly hoped that his Lodge connections would get him the position.
The interviewer said that his qualifications were excellent but wanted to know what he expected by way of salary.
'I would like $200,000 and 6 weeks holidays?' said the brother.
"You begin, and halve it!' said the interviewer.